


The Gray Heart

by enigmaticma, NoHappyEnding



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Drug Abuse, Drug Use, Dubious Consent, Emotional Manipulation, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, NHE Round 3, NHE2018, References to Drugs, Self-Esteem Issues, dubcon, nhe, no happy ending
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-12
Updated: 2019-02-12
Packaged: 2019-10-18 01:21:09
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,759
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17571602
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/enigmaticma/pseuds/enigmaticma, https://archiveofourown.org/users/NoHappyEnding/pseuds/NoHappyEnding
Summary: Jongdae had known he was a rebound but did not handle the consequences.





	The Gray Heart

**Author's Note:**

> **Prompt #:** 18  
>  **Prompt:** Jongdae knew he was only the rebound... Even if it's been 4 years since Lu Han left.  
>  **Prompter:** Anonymous  
>  **Pairing/Main character(s):** Xiumin/Chen  
>  **Word count:** 2.7K  
>  **Warning(s):** dub con. Suicide. Self harming  
>  **Author's note:** tried to make it as sad as possible. I am not that good at this kind of themes and did my best

## WARNING:  
STORY HAS SENSITIVE CONTENT WHICH MAY BE TRIGGERING.

### READ AT YOUR OWN RISK.

 

Jongdae had seen it coming and he couldn’t blame anyone but himself. Therefore, he decided to not wait anymore. He can’t wait for Minseok.

Not when he knows that Minseok, his boyfriend and only love, is with his ex on a date. Junmyun had sent him a picture few minutes ago with a small caption. “Is this what you refused me for?”

Sending him the picture of Luhan and Minseok kissing in a small corner of the coffee shop was meant to hurt. It did hurt greatly to know he was not enough. His love was not enough.

Neither by then nor four years ago. When Luhan left Minseok heartbroken, Jongdae was there. He gave his all to make Minseok notice him, even his body.

Not that Jongdae was not consenting to it but, in none of those times did Minseok touch him as Jongdae. He was a rebound. Luhan's substitute.

He laid in bed, silently shedding tears when the door opened. It was 3 am. A bit too early than what Jongdae expected. Someone got in, smelling like alcohol and coffee. “Fuck, my ass hurts.”

“Sorry baby.” Jongdae froze in his spot. Luhan was there too. “Do you need me to pack for you?”

“I will be fine.” Minseok sounded so sweet. When was the last time he spoke to him that way? Four years ago? Three? He held himself back from sobbing but, as Minseok turned off the light, he looked up to meet his eyes. “Don’t wait for me tomorrow.”

Jongdae wanted to scream. “Minseok, wait.” But it echoed in his mind instead. Minseok had left.

He stood to check the house only to find a roll of money with a note. “ _Don’t forget to buy provisions._ ”

Jongdae wanted to brighten up and think positive about this note but a side of him nagged. “You are his errand boy, Dae. Get it done before he comes back.”

Jongdae had changed many aspects of himself  for Minseok. He grew neater. He spoke less, whined less. He barely contacted any of his friends for years even. All the efforts he did put, draining himself.

The morning came as Jongdae fixed the bed and folded random clothes he found in his closet. He roamed around until he could go pick the provision list Minseok kept in check. He checked it and went out to buy groceries. He roamed around the neighborhood, noticing how they looked at him pitifully, noticing how _he_ looked pitiful.

He picked the groceries and headed home only to sob by the door. His heart was about to burst in pain. He fixed the house and faced the mirror. A human size mirror that outlined all his flaws.

“I am dull. Ugly. Weak. Useless.” He said to himself with a hint of anger. He showered, scrubbing his skin hard enough to injure it. He cared less  and less, even if he felt pain all over his body. He just wanted to punish himself for not being enough. “Useless!”

His phone rang as he dried himself and wore clothes for work. It had Baekhyun’s number on display. Baekhyun. The only man who actually cared for him. “Hey.” He simply said.

“Jongdae, hi. Heading to work?” Jongdae hummed at that. “I will pick you up then.” Baekhyun lived a few blocks away from him so he took little time to be there. “Did you eat?” he didn’t but nodded anyway. Baekhyun gave him a look. “You look like you scrubbed your face with aluminum foil.”

Jongdae said nothing and Baekhyun sighed in defeat. He drove Jongdae to work. “Thank you.” Jongdae mumbled sadly, despite his smile.

“Come to the restaurant during lunch break, okay?” Jongdae nodded. “I will wait for you.”

Baekhyun and Jongdae had been classmates in an accounting major. Jongdae got a job in a law firm while Baekhyun became partners with his childhood friends on a restaurant that grew to be famous. It was Jongdae’s pride to be friends with them. Now, he feels like a burden to them and tries to be as small and quiet as possible.

“You are not a burden.” Kyungsoo, the chef, told him with a strict tone. “We won’t give you free food if you were a burden.” It was logic but Jongdae couldn’t chase the feeling away. That he was a burden for everybody.

His work day went on normally until lunch. He was in the staff room when Junmyun got in with his boyfriend. Jongdae had never grasped his name and cared less as Junmyun’s look on him made him feel so dirty and insignificant. Baekhyun, Chanyeol, Kyungsoo and a few waiters got in and a loud chit chat broke. Jongdae did not participate.

“Oh. I met Luhan, yesterday. He was with Minseok hyung.” Junmyun commented and Baekhyun's instant reaction was to change the subject.

“Oh I totally forgot! I thought of a crossdressing day for the LGBT+ merch day!” The animation drifted away from Jongdae to Baekhyun but Junmyun kept his eyes on the man who barely ate half of his portion before Junmyun mention the two men. His appetite was gone.

He remained there, silent, replaying the last night over and over. Minseok did cheat on him and so openly… he stood to leave, bowing to his friends and thanking them for the meal. “You didn’t eat!” Baekhyun commented loudly.

“I had donuts before lunch. I was already full.” A lie. They knew it was a lie. His day went on with a not even full stomach.

He lived the following day pretty much the same way, except that Junmyun did not show up and Baekhyun forced Jongdae to eat more. “You know, Dae. This…” Baekhyun sighed. “I am scared to lose you, my friend.”

Jongdae gave him a surprised look. “Why?”

“You live in such a toxic relationship that you started hating yourself.” Jongdae couldn’t deny that. “You need to think about your own happiness.”

Jongdae could feel his tears flow and forced himself to not cry. “I am glad you care.”

Baekhyun hugged him and Jongdae hugged him back, beating himself for being such a weight on Baekhyun and hoping the man would feel better. He stood to wave his friend goodbye and wondered. When was the last time Minseok hugged him? Not in a year at least.

He got home to find Minseok looking hurt and devastated. He was sipping on a  beer can when he noticed Jongdae. They said nothing to each other. There was nothing left to say anyway. Jongdae showered and cleaned the mess in bed. He could see cum marks on the sheets. He could smell the sex in the air.

They fucked on his bed and, instead of being revolted, he blamed himself.

Hands wrapped around him as he threw the spoiled sheets in the washing machine. They said nothing as Minseok undressed him and prepared him in the spot. It was not a studied preparation and it did sting when Minseok slid in.

Each moaned the name of their beloved, turning deaf to each other’s words. Not that Jongdae expected to hear his name anyway neither did he expect Minseok to make love to him instead of this… dull sexual use. They took it to bed and Jongdae allowed Minseok to use his body as he pleased. He tried to take pleasure in everything but Minseok seemed to be the only one reaching his orgasm. He didn’t try to please Jongdae anymore and Jongdae considered it to be better.

He did not deserve it anyway. Not from Minseok.

Minseok went to have a shower and left Jongdae there, lifeless, finishing himself off as his sobs got muffled in the pillow, then headed to shower after the man. Minseok went to sleep in the guest room, while Jongdae cleaned the room. He sobbed as soon as he knew Minseok was asleep. He sobbed in pain until he slept.

He woke up to smell breakfast. He was confused for a second but then he understood. Luhan was gone back to Beijing and Minseok was back to his perfect boyfriend act. Jongdae had no idea of what to do. “Dae, wake up. You will be late for work.” Jongdae had a sore body but who cared, right? He forced his body up, showered to dress up for work. He sat in front of Minseok who was busy on his phone. “You will eat lunch at the restaurant?” He nodded but he was not going to. He was not ready to act like a happy boyfriend. He needed time. “Good. Eat now.”

Jongdae was glad Baekhyun called him. “Are you ready?” Jongdae hummed as he stood. “I will pick you up.”

“See you.” He ended the call and looked at Minseok who still did not look at him. “Bye, hyung.”

He dashed out before he would sob in front of Minseok’s indifference. He forced a smile when he met Baekhyun who smiled at him. The work day went on well and he felt better by lunch, however…

“How was Luhan? I saw you often together.” Junmyun sounded bitter as he reached the staff room and Jongdae remained still by the door.“If someone didn’t know, they will think you were back together.”

“Really? I didn’t notice.” Minseok was indifferent but Jongdae knew a “Yes” nearly left his lips. They were back together.

“How is Jongdae taking that?” Junmyun was pissed. “Is it fun? To hurt him like that?”

“Jongdae is fine. We just made love yesterday.” Minseok was reassuring and Jongdae wanted to agree with that. But that wasn’t how he would make love to Minseok. He knew that.

His appetite was gone so he walked back to work. He worked with the little energy he had and walked  back home, noticing the missing calls.

Once home, Minseok was not back yet. Gladly. Jongdae did not even shower, he slept as soon as he landed on bed.

He woke up to a beeping sound. A constantly nagging sound of weak beeps. His body felt heavy and sore. Did Minseok use him? He forced his eyes open and noticed he was in a hospital bed.

Oh.

Did Minseok finally notice his pain? Did he notice his suffering? Baekhun got in at that and Jongdae found himself about to sob. “Dae.” Baekhyun held his hand, worry written in his expression.“I was so worried, I asked for few days off to take care of you.” Jongdae closed his eyes, trying to not let the sobs out, when he felt Baekhyun’s hands squeeze his hand. “You will be alright. The doctors said you were just under stress and you will be fine.”

 _I know it is not true_. Jongdae wished to say that but smiled instead. Baekhyun didn’t need to worry anymore.

Everybody basically came to check on him except from Minseok. Junmyun came last, about five minutes before the end of the visiting hours. “Hi.” He held Jongdae’s face. “How do you feel?”

Jongdae pushed his hands away. “Don’t. Don’t use me to hurt your boyfriend.”

Junmyun scoffed. “I am not Minseok.” Jongdae went expressionless and Jun Myun sighed. “Sorry, I shouldn’t have said so.”

“But you did and I want you to leave.” Jongdae sounded lifeless. Junmyun wanted to object but sighed and left. Minseok did not show up and Jongdae was glad. He was not ready to act like he was fine. He had no energy to fake his life with. He was tired and so he slept.

Sadly? Gladly?

Minseok did not show up the entire week.

Junmyun neither.

Why? Jongdae asked himself. Were they tired of me?

He did not seek for the answer as Baekhyun made sure to keep his mind busy with anything and everything else. It was around his check out that Minseok showed up. He was waiting outside and the worse is that he was not alone. “Hi, Dae. I hope you are better.” Luhan patted his shoulder and somehow it made Jongdae want to cut his shoulder out. He nodded absently, avoiding their eyes and walked to the car with Baekhyun. The man stayed by his side, glaring daggers on Luhan and Minseok, while holding Jongdae tightly close. God knows how thankful Jongdae was for Baekhyun.

They headed home and Jongdae went to the guest room where Baekhyun tucked him to bed. “I will go home, but I will come tomorrow. Ok?” Jongdae said nothing and Baekhyun left with a heavy expression.

Soon a smell of food filled the house and a hesitant Minseok got in. “We made dinner. Come eat.” Jongdae did not move. “Please?”

He did not move and Minseok gave sighing. “Would you be happier?” He froze in place and looked at the devastated man in bed. “If I no longer existed in your life… would you be happier?”

Minseok sat down and softly patted on Jongdae stiffening body. “Jongdae, we have to talk.” Jongdae looked at him with wide eyes. “We seriously have to.”

“You want to break up.” Jongdae stated and Minseok found nothing to say so he sighed. “Was it because Luhan broke up with whomever he threw you out to be with?”

“Dae.”

“Is it because he no longer uses you so you got no reason to abuse me anymore?”

“Stop…”

“Is it because you love him the way you will never love me?”

“I…”

“Do you want to break up because I was never enough? No matter what I did. No matter what I gave up on. No matter how much I loved you.”

A silence fell in for a while. “Yes. I am breaking up because I have never loved you.”

“Minseok, don’t do this.” Luhan’s voice boomed in Jongdae’s ears like gun shots and he looked at the man in the door. Minseok was fast to hold Jongdae from saying anything.

“Listen! I was hurt, okay? And I used you as a punching bag and I want this to stop! So, yes, I am breaking up because I don’t want you in my life anymore.”

Jongdae looked at Minseok who left his side to Luhan who shushed him, holding him tight. “It is ok. It is over now.”

Yes it was over. All over.

Jongdae remained there in bed until Baekhun came back few hours after. “Dae?” He got in with a panicked face. “Dae, please talk to me.” To say what? Jongdae could only nod and left the bed. He felt Baekhyun holding him but he was numb as much. Nothing felt the same.

He noticed how the frames were off and the pictures of him and Minseok torn. He noticed how many things went missing. He did not have to look at the bedroom as he knew Minseok had packed to leave.

“It is over.” he mumbled as he broke into a hysterical laugh. Baekhyun found himself unable to hold Jongdae who laughed his sobs and they kneeled down.

A wave of helplessness crushed over Baekhyun who observed his friend losing it and shed his tears. “Please, Dae.” _please stop._ He sadly stopped, fainting right then and there.

He woke up late for work and cared less. He lost the energy and the power to live with. He laid there waiting for something to happen… or was he waiting for Minseok to come back?

Was he waiting for the sun to raise? After all, his days bathed in such darkness, he could see no way out.

He laid there. Lifeless. Boneless.

What is the point in living? He did not deserve to live. What is the point of dying? He did not deserve to die. And with this mindset, Jongdae tried to live.

For a week?

Or was it a month?

It seemed so long and so laborious that on one fine day, he just wanted to sleep. He wanted to sleep with no nightmares. No echoes of Minseok’s voice yelling at him.

So he took few sleeping pills.

1

2

4

7

10

15

24

30

30 tiny pills landed on his hand. He counted.

30 tiny little pills that will make him sleep for once and for all. Sleep and forget. Sleep and stop waiting for the sunrise. Sleep.

They took a moment to slide down his system but when he managed to swallow them, he smiled. “Finally, I am doing something right.”

He picked his phone and went to his SNS and changed his profile from Minseok’s baby to

 

_The one who slept forever._


End file.
